Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong.

I'm hoping I can save someone from paying full price for this terrible movie, especially if you're over your mid 20's and really loved Transformers, if you're younger than that and didn't really grow up with them then you will likely be satisfied with the movie because it had shiny robots, explosions and some slow-motion boob shots of Megan Fox (when she wasn’t doing weird shit with her inflated lips that is)… and that’s fine because this film was made for you. You’ll love it.

However, if you have any taste and self respect, and if you really loved the Transformers in the 80’s, then this movie is so bad, that it almost defies description (although House of the Dead STILL wins Worst so far). About 15-20 minutes into the film you will (if you’re attentive) see something that will cause your jaw (like mine did) to drop in horror, and you’ll likely remain like that for most of the film.

The short version of this review, to save you ploughing through the below rant is; Don't pay full price for this film... if you MUST see it, wait for it to hit the $2 theater or go to a matinée. If you love special effects and robot action, it IS worth seeing it on the big screen if only for the first 10 minutes. Personally, if you have a good size big TV, wait for rental. That way, you can fast forward through the horrible shit bits and enjoy a 30 minute kick ass robot fight-fest.

It's a trap!

To back track however, there is some good about the film that I did actually like, so I’ll start with that… The robots looked pretty good (I still prefer the old ones but whatever) and the CG & compositing is very nice and smooth. The explosions are epic and thank goodness Michael Bay listened to critique about the fights in the first one and actually pulls the camera back more than a foot so you can SEE the fights properly and appreciate them. There were plenty of fights that were action packed and it was awesome seeing Optimus & Bumblebee kick SO much ass.

I know most of the critic complaints have been about the plot, and that it made no sense, and that it was confusing… and yes there were some really weird things happening that unless you REALLY know your Transformers history will leave you going “Wait… what?” but the plot was not the point of the film, it was merely a device to string together awesome robot fights and it served it’s purpose. Just.

There were also some neat plot references and elements that showed someone involved gave a damn and did approach on nerdgasm. For example Jetfire, the old one, was found in the form of a Blackbird aircraft and when he was brought out of slumber he was British, and immediately started spouting some references to Terry Pratchett (Bugg’rit!) and the logistics of that made sense considering the Blackbird was basically a joint UK/USA project.

The whole thing with the Energon harvestor etc and the key was great… even the fem-bot “species” style transformer made sense because there had been the Pretender bots (Transformers with synthetic organic shells to blend in with humans)… unfortunately she was introduced with NO explanation whatsoever either before or after and unless you know about Pretenders it’s a big pile of messy WTF-ery which I’m sure was a big part of the critic complaints about the plot not making sense (was she an alien, a robot… did the Decepticons know about her? WTF?). And they messed up the robot form and made her look like a Specie’s rip off, while there were no female Pretenders (that I know of) in pre-existing lore, they just could have been more original. And why the fruitloops didn’t Bumblebee TELL Sam that she was a robot? He could obviously tell she wasn’t human…

I really like the little scene with Megatron smacking Starscream around and that fantastic line of his when Starscream was trying to explain why he’d taken control “Even in death there is no leadership but mine”… CLASSIC! Only wish they had done MORE of this kind of character building with the robots on both sides instead of focusing on the stupid human bullshit. I mean come on, why did we need to see Simmons porno rip-away pants and Sector 7 thong?

Ok, on to the things that annoyed me because they were just sloppy bullshit but didn’t shit all over the film… counting. On at least 2 occasions I spotted immediately glaring errors in counting that could have been solved if the scriptwriters or Michael Bay just used their fingers. Firstly, when the Decepticons go to get Megatron (for no fucking reason AT ALL considering the Fallen had already taken over), the submarine scene say’s that there’s 5 blips going down there. So they got down there and the little insect-like doctor bot jumps out of one of the others and orders them to “kill the little one”, the other Decepticons fall on another one of their group and tear him to bits to get his spark to basically jump start Megatron. Fine. Then the doctor bot grabs back onto the one and off they go… cut back to the submarine and the guy says “Now there are 6 of them!” I’ll leave you to do the finger counting on that one.

Then later on in the film we finally see Arcee. Arcee had originally been the sexy girl Autobot, she’d been a hot pink & silver set racecar thing. Now she’s THREE pocket-rocket bikes… and the humans call her “The Arcee Twins”.

Wait… what?

Alright so that’s just the things I could enjoy and some minor nitpicks… but now I’m going to tell you the things that really made me believe Michael Bay was using this film as some kind of colon irrigation treatment for himself.

Firstly… remember I mention that 15-20 minute into the film moment that made my jaw drop? Basically Sam discovers that somehow a small shard of the All Spark Cube had been stuck to his hoodie, and it falls off and burns through his bedroom floor, bounces through the pipes and down onto the kitchen table where it sends out a pulse which brings to life all the appliances in the kitchen (similar to how they showed it bringing cellphones to life etc in the first film). This is all well and good… but one of the appliances has a GIANT PENIS that actually has a big glowing red light on the end. It’s Rudolph the rednobbed robot! And it starts thrusting it’s hips and I realize in astonishment it’s basically a rip of Fruitfucker from Penny Arcade. And then they start farting fire.

So… this is where I realize this movie has a horrible, ugly side.

The farting continues, I think every robot with the exceptions of Megatron, Optimus & Starscream let out some kind of rear exhaust emission. Often repeatedly. One of the mini bots actually humps Megan Fox’s leg for a while. And then, then came the moment that is actually pretty epic when you think about it… Michael Bay teabagged the entire audience.

Suddenly, with no warning, at the end of what was actually a pretty freaking cool action sequence with Devastator having just tore shit up, gigantic dangling ROBOT TESTICLES are the entire focus of the screen.

And then, for the folks that maybe were not paying attention, they do it again as he’s climbing up a pyramid. WE GOT TEABAGGED TWICE.

Evidently Michael was worried he was being a little too subtle at this point, because he has Simmons calling in an epic railgun strike by radio say “I’m under the enemy’s scrotum!” I’m surprised that they didn’t just have him say “Look everyone, BALLS!”

Urgh, there’s more… the humping dogs, the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE “hood niggaz” twins (who sadly, had some of the best banter, even though it was all clichéd bullshit, and more screentime the fucking OPTIMUS. WTF Michael Bay), the “high on pot” mum (though she was acting like she was on PCP, it was like Reefer Madness or some rubbish), the Porno University that Sam went to (there wasn’t one normal looking kid there), the weird behavior of Megatron (all subservient to the Fallen, that wouldn’t have happened unless he was going to screw him over at the end, but there was no indication of that… remember, Megatron even said “fuck you” to Unicron).

Can you tell this movie pissed me off? Now, I know FULL WELL this as produced (same as the originals) to sell toys, but this is a BAD film, it’s got so many horrible things happening in it, it’s actually insulting… this movie is basically a trashy frat flick with robots. It’s Transformers: Superbad – It’s like Michael Bay turned into Jason Friedberg. And I have to hold Stephen Spielberg accountable as well, he should know better. For shame Stephen, for shame. I cannot believe that with it's blatantly rude content and language it got a PG13... it's so bad that I know some cinema's are manually putting an R warning on it as well

Now, if your immediate response to this is "It's Transformers, it's a movie about robots fighting based on a cheesy cartoon from the 80’s, what did you expect?" then frankly, fuck you, your opinion is not one I care two gigantic Devastator balls for. I expected some cheesy fun, awesome action sequences, Transformers and explosions. Not fart jokes that would shame Harold & Kumar. AND WHY LINKIN’ PARK??????? WHY?????

The real kicker? The script was written by the same guys who wrote the new Star Trek movie.

I really regret going to see it on opening weekend, even if I did go see it as a matinee... because to my lasting shame I contributed in some tiny way to this;

The movie grossed $112 million on its first weekend, making it the biggest weekend gross of 2009 and the seventh-largest in history, and brought in $201.2 million in its first five days, putting it in second place behind the The Dark Knight's $203.7 million for all-time biggest five-day opening.

If anyone did manage to make it this far in this rant, congratulations.